Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiples kisses. (Proverbs 27:5-6)
A friend of mine was once considering a job opportunity with significant implications for his family. As he was explaining to me why he believed this new opportunity was God’s will for his life, my friend mentioned that as he was driving along one day he passed by a street that happened to have the same name as the company for whom he was considering working. He saw this as a “sign" (no pun intended) from God.
I thought the job opportunity sounded great, but I suggested to him that what he interpreted as a sign from God was a classic case of confirmation bias (I buy a Jeep and suddenly I notice how many people are driving Jeeps) and that if he took the job he should do so on the basis of research of the company, cultural fit, conversations with his spouse and others, and prayer rather than confirmation bias.
Christian theology has a fancy phrase that describes the effect that sin has on our minds: “the noetic effect of sin.” The word “noetic” comes from the greek word “nous” meaning “mind” or “intellect.” The idea is that while sin has not completely destroyed our capacity to reason, it has distorted and undermined our ability to see things clearly. The noetic effect of sin not only blinds people to the Truth of Jesus Christ but it also makes all of us fallible, biased, unreliable interpreters of the meaning of our emotions, circumstances, and experiences.
Because of the noetic effect of sin, we need people in our lives to whom we have given permission to contradict us, challenge our thinking and behavior, without fear of reprisal. A good friend is more than someone who supports every decision we make in order to keep the relationship free of disagreement, conflict and friction.
In a recent podcast1, Megan Phelps Roper, a former member and now outspoken critic of Westboro Baptist Church, offers six practical questions that serve as a barometer for your willingness to allow people to challenge and contradict your beliefs, decisions, thought processes, perspectives and more:
-
Are you capable of entertaining real doubt about your beliefs or are you operating from a position of certainty?
-
Can you articulate the evidence you would need to see to change your position or is your perspective unfalsifiable?
-
Can you articulate your opponents’ perspective in a way that they recognize or are you “straw manning” their position?
-
Are you attacking ideas or the people who hold them?
-
Are you willing to cut off relationships with people who disagree with you, particularly over relatively small points of contention?
1 The Witch Trials of J.K. Rowling, Episode 7, The Free Press, 2023.
-
Are you willing to use extraordinary means against people who disagree with you?
The Proverbs suggest that the wise person cultivates friendships in which contradiction is solicited and encouraged, with no fear of reprisal. Do you have friends like that in your life?
Jeff Kinkade
Lead Pastor
